Love Peace Beauty

celebrating the beauty of motherhood

A Letter to the Strangers Who Stared

Share on FacebookPin on PinterestTweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+Share on StumbleUponBuffer this page

Dear Strangers Who Stared at My Child Having a Meltdown,

Maybe you are a parenting perfectionist and you surely wouldn’t have a child acting like mine and you know everything there is to know about parenting and children. I’m sure your judgement regarding my situation after a thorough observation (30 seconds – 1 minute tops) provided an understanding of the many interacting variables associated with caregiver-child relationships and interaction patterns. I know this is quite an assumption but here’s my rationale. I would assume if you are one to judge, stare, and give unsolicited advice then you must be an expert.

Here’s the skinny on a recent experience. While on vacation, hubby, myself, and my in-laws took the kids to a family friendly entertainment spot. My two and half-year old boy is a very active, hands-on, short-attention span little firecracker. He was on sensory overload and after we passed a few attractions that he was too small for, we found rides just his size. Hubby went to get tickets while we patiently impatiently watched the rides spin and talked about which ones he would ride. Hubby returned with no tickets – the ticket booth had unknown issues.  Quick intervention we headed into the arcade for a couple of games. Time to peacefully leave, so we thought.

Toddler E had a meltdown, you know the kind with flailing arms, loud crying, kicking, stiff body, two people to put him back in the stroller kind of toddler tantrum. This was  the first tantrum of this magnitude in a very public place and top it off with a loooong 15-minute walk back to the car while Toddler E cried. Oh the stares, glares, gasps, head turning, torturous walk back to the car. If I was a turtle, I would have hidden in my shell.

I’ll admit before I had children, I had ideas of how I would handle certain situations and I had a rough draft parenting framework in my head. Everyone around me had children and when they shared stories I soaked it all in and as a teacher I was surrounded by kids with a multitude of behaviors. Even still, it was eye-opening once I had my own children. And maybe I did judge but I can assure you I do not judge now. I’ve learned to openly listen and be understanding to my other parenthood friends. Parenting can be hard, messy, and far from predictable.

So I sincerely ask all the parenting perfectionists who stared at me and my child to share the magic solution with us non-experts who are doing our best to discipline but not discourage, teach but not overwhelm, understand but not be a pushover, provide life experiences but not inconvenience others, and often times make decisions in split seconds with an audience.

And to all the others still climbing treading the parental expertise ladder with me, I will not judge when I see your child having a tantrum – I will say a prayer for your continued strength, patience, and love.

With Love, Erin   

Recommended For You:

Share on FacebookPin on PinterestTweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+Share on StumbleUponBuffer this page
  • helenalemon

    Well said! What parent out there hasn’t had a mommy moment where her child just wouldn’t go by the rules for public behavior? Children are their own indicators as to how they will act. They don’t have filters and they don’t see things the way we do! We should all be more patient with fellow parents! (Unless of course we see abusive behavior!)

    • I agree! I’ve definitely become a more compassionate individual since mommyhood.

  • myreachforperfection

    I know I’ve looked when kids are having meltdowns, but, personally, it’s out of sympathy. It is so hard to do the right thing. Sometimes we want nothing more than to give in and make it stop, but that is not always possible or the best idea. My son was screaming in the store last week and an older lady came up and patted me on the hand and said simply, “Hang in there Momma. You’re doing great.” The encouragement made all the difference.

    • Those were very sweet encouraging words from that lady, I hope to offer the same to another one day! I think there is a difference in a “sympathetic” look and a “get your kid under control” look.

  • I wish there were a universally understood gesture of empathy I could flash at fellow parents – especially ones whose kids are having big meltdowns! Wouldn’t it be nice if at least a few of those people who appeared to be rudely staring (because you were embarrassed and stressed out) were really sending you encouraging thoughts!

    • Yes! That would be great! I’m sure more times than not the looks are no harm intended but it is the embarrassment we already feel that makes it worse.

  • So true and so well said, Erin. I’ve had my share of stares when my daughter’s been her not-so-stellar-self in public. As the years go on, I’ve learned to ignore them, but there are times when it’s still a cause for aggravation.

    I’m on the same boat as you. I used to judge others before I had my own children, but now that I’m in the thick of it all, I understand parent’s stature a bit more. I definitely do not judge any more. Instead I give them a knowing nod, and silently say, this too shall pass. Hopefully my kind gesture will eventually come back to me, and I’ll be rid of the stares once and for all.

    Thank you for such an enlightening post. Glad I found you on Manic Mondays

    • Thank you for stopping by! Meltdowns are definitely one of those motherhood rights of passage and I’ve learned so many true lessons along this journey. It’s the best journey, though.

  • Gema Díaz (@iamgemadiaz)

    Erin, I work with children with Autism and even though I don’t have children I can sympathize. When we are in outings people just love to stare but I turn and just smile at them. My kids (clients) are awesome just the way they were created. I do try not stare though when I’m out of the job and see a tantrum. Even though I am so tempted to go and consule the parent. I fear that I won’t be able to know what to do when I do have my own children though

    • I couldn’t agree more, children are perfect just the way they are and smiling is a wonderful way to overcome the negativity. What wonderful work you do, Gema! I’m an ESOL teacher but have so much respect for all special education teachers. You will have so many wonderful tools in your motherhood toolkit to pull out from your experience!

  • We’ve all be there . . . on both sides, if we’re honest. And am I the only one suspicious of a tantrum-free two-year-old? :) Growing pains . . . for all parties involved. Great post.

  • I think it’s best to always give the benefit of the doubt because you don’t know what’s going on. A kid acting like a brat might be just a brat – or she might be totally acting up because she’s overtired or overstimulated or her dog just died or her dad just got deployed. Same with parents – if I see someone on their phone ignoring their kid I can either assume that they’re a terrible parent who always does that, or I can assume that they just got done playing together and now they are taking a break.

    • That’s definitely true. Life lessons – I guess it’s easier to just pass judgement but it does require slowing down our thought process to become more realistic and understanding.

  • Reading this, two specific thoughts came to mind. I don’t have children of my own. So, I am a FIRM believer that I am in no permission to pretend to know how to parent. Secondly, my stepmom has a grandson who is austistic. His behaviour is definitely different to what society deems as acceptable and normal. His parents, grandparents, and others who surround him that love and care for him struggle sometimes. He is NOT easy to manage at times. But, he is an innocent little boy that did not ask for the challenges that he must face. And his caregivers certainly shouldn’t be judged for them either.

    No one knows what others are going through. So, we shouldn’t stare, judge, or make anyone else feel they are inferior.

    • Thank you for sharing! I couldn’t agree with you more – we shouldn’t stare or judge. It’s funny because we teach our children these principles but it’s still something adults need to remember.

  • sign4baby

    Those toddler meltdowns can queue so much parenting advice. Sounds like you are doing a fantastic job with your goals of providing experiences, patience, understanding and discipline…. Thank you for sharing on Bloggers Brags Pinterest Party. Pinning this to our Bloggers Brags board now!

  • momndaughtersavings

    I know exactly how you felt! People do that all the time and none of them have kids if they don’t understand or give dirty looks. I always feel bad for the parents when I see something like this going on. Just ignore them! Glad I found you on Pretty Pintastic Party! Pinned and followed (jody53)

  • I’ve totally been there. The howling toddler makes me feel so self-conscious, as if all eyes are on me, judging me for not doing more to end the tears. People tend to fall into 3 camps: The kind who take no notice and could care less about a child’s tantrum, the kind who give you the stink-eye, and the kind who give an “I feel your pain” little smile and say a quiet prayer. Personally, I’d prefer to help make the world a better place and promote camp #3. :)

    • Love the classification – you are absolutely right, #3 all the way!! :)